Screwed
by Arctick Child
Summary: I never thought it would end like this.


Disclaimer; I don't own _Red vs Blue_.  
Special request by Iron-Mantis. Transferred from my other account. Also, I edited it a bit.  
Summary; I never thought it would end like this.

Screwed

"I should've killed you the second I laid eyes on you."

I resist the urge to glance behind me as I back up, away from CT and his very dangerous looking gun. I'm too far away to use my sword, and I left my gun in my car, so unless the Reds or, God forbid, Caboose miraculously pull through for me, I highly doubt I'll be making it out f this one alive. It's weird, though. In all the hours I spent imagining this back at Blood Gulch, I never thought it would end like this. I thought Church would do something stupid and get us all killed, or Caboose would blow me up with Sheila or shoot me in the back or the chest or the head, or, when I was feeling hopeful, that Tex would do me in.

Bow-chika-bow-wow.

But it never crossed my mind that I might go down actually _doing_ something and not screwing with someone. Even now it's kind of unreal, like I'm just waiting to wake up from some awesome dream back in my quarters at Blue Base with Church and Caboose.

"I would've been long gone if you hadn't interfered."

It strikes me, suddenly, that CT's annoying as hell habit to never shut the fuck up might actually work in my advantage. The Reds might actually do something useful for once--I mean, useful for us and not our enemies, like killing CT and not me--or that Caboose may accidentally shoot CT thinking he's me or some bullshit. So maybe if I keep him talking long enough they'll pull something out of their asses. Besides each other, I mean. Or they'll overhear our conversation and bring any info back to command.

Somehow I doubt any help is on its way.

"Okay dude, I guess you got me," I say, rolling my eyes because I know he can't see them under my visor. I really hate this guy. "I've got nowhere to go." _Hurry up, idiots, I'm about to die over here!_ "So tell me one thing, though, who are you really? And who sent you here?"

I don't actually expect that to work. I'm not stupid, after all. But CT's the kind of guy who says shit just to hear himself talk, so there'll probably be enough time for me to at least shift all the oxygen my armor's cycling through the vents to the storage compartment so that, in the likely occurence he gets too fucking annoying, I can just blow myself. Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

I pause for a moment; was that in bad taste? I mean, in essence I just called myself gay. Then I mentally shrugged. I'm about to die; gotta catch the small pleasures by the tail.

"Sorry. You'll never know."

_Is that it?_ I stare at him a moment. Weird. When I first asked him who he was, when he first showed up, he went into some long winded speech about... actually, I can't remember. I repressed it along with most of my memories of Caboose and Church. Maybe he's sick. Or PMSing. That would explain why he's so crabby lately. I mean, so does frustration at his team getting their asses kicked by one guy at least three times in the last week alone, but somehow the PMS seems more likely. After all, how do I know he's actually a guy under that helmet?

There's a sudden whoosh of air, and I look around in time to see CT's precious paycheck soar into the air beside me. Awesome! Now I have a slightly greater chance of being killed by Caboose instead of CT. That'll probably be quicker, and less painful, than being bored to death.

"Hey, what's up?" Church--Epsilon? I'm not really sure if he counts as either--greets, and I almost hit him for having to be all dramatic and waiting until I'm almost over the edge to step in. CT, of course, isn't much happier about the source of his entire team's ass-kickings apparently saved.

"What in the Hell is that thing?!" CT demands, and I grin as Church's eye things starts glowing red. Maybe he'll be able to help in some way other than attracting Caboose's fire, then! A red shaft of energy soars from the relic's--AI's? Church's?--circle/eye/laserbeam thing and into CT,--bow-chicka-bow-wow--dropping him instantly.

"I am not a thing! My name is Leonard Church, and you will fear my laser face!"

_Note to self: Don't piss off new Church._


End file.
